there is nothing like looking, if you want to find something
I just watched this short youtube video:
Just for my own archive, I want to jot down the quote that the video refer to:
“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, or There and Back Again
I don't get it at first. I also don't really give much attention to the quote when reading the book. But then I just allow myself to lie down for 41 minutes after watching that video. I cry. A lot.
Today I just show up to myself and almost get hit by a car while walking this morning. I make promise to myself to just walk outside everyday for at least 30 minutes. Today is the third day I do that. Maybe because of my period, maybe because I just so tired, or for whatever reason, I almost don't go walk today. But I pushed myself to.
The first thing that I met was a cat. It just walk towards me and want me to pet. I almost cry because of it. I only know that cat because it always sit in front of the graveyard near the place where I live. From what I know, it never leave the spot it always sit on. This is the first time I know that the cat is able to walk and go somewhere else.
Then nothing much happened. Other than almost hit by a white car, since I can only walk on the same road as other vehicles.
I got home, get some work done, cook some meal for myself, and watch some drama series. It is always like that.
I don't know what I want yet. I don't know what will I do with my life. I don't know with whom I can just talk about things like this without being judged. I know nothing about anything. But I just make a promise to myself. To just walk. Literally just walk. I have nowhere to go, but just walk. Everyday. I said to myself it is okay if I have nowhere to go for today. I just need to walk on the road, there is no need for somewhere to go to. So I walk.
First day I don't know where to go, so I just follow the road. I found some cool places. Second day I still don't know what I'm looking for. But I accidentally do some kind of river trekking nearby. Just by myself, so some people greet me awkwardly. Third day, I need to push myself so hard, but I managed to meet a cat. I don't know what will I face tomorrow.
I don't even know if I want to find something. But I found myself looking for something to find.
Maybe, I move by walking everyday like this just to give myself an illusion of progress. At least I show up today.
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